Missed Moments

It's been 8 months since my mom left and what I get stuck on most these days is all the things she's missing. So many things - important things - like birthdays, Christmas, the birth of a new family member. And all the little things like hearing a new song, going for a drive, or looking at the winter sky. Her precious life, her blessed moments are over. The hardest part to digest - wrap my head around - work through is that my mom will never be here again for any of the big, little and future moments. People will tell me, she is with you, she is around and I know that. I believe that. But it's different. She doesn't get to sing Happy Birthday again, she'll never know what it's like to eat pasta in Italy, or talk to her grandchildren. How do you find peace in that? You don't, you just have a better understanding of how precious life is. Our lives get to keep going but hers just stopped one day. That single thought hurts like hell. My heart breaks for her loss. Her missed moments. And now all those big and little moments that we celebrate will always be both beautiful and sad.

Heaven

What does Heaven look like to you? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. You try and imagine what your loved ones new home looks like? What are they doing? How do they communicate? Do they miss me too? What does an average day look like? I know they are still with us when they leave. I know because I can feel my mom's presence at times, but it's not the same. I wonder if it will ever be the same? What will our relationship be like when I meet her in heaven. So much of life is having to figure out what you want to believe in and then having faith in that belief cause what is death? We don't really know anything about it. We can't define it.

My mom kept telling me to watch 1883 so I finally did and there was a line that stuck with me when Elsa was dying, "There is a moment where your dreams and your memories merge together and form a perfect world. That is heaven. And each heaven is unique. It is the world of you. The land is filled with all you hold dear. And the sky is your imagination."

I like this thought. It's something I can wrap my head and heart around. Heaven is a collection of our most joyous moments.

One Year - Everything And Nothing Has Changed

One year. One year since you left. Everything and nothing has changed. I don't look at the sky the same way, I now look up and wonder just how far heaven is. Trying to be everything I never used to be, fear left me when I looked back at the time you had and the time I still have. I've accepted that your burdens are not mine to carry and I've buried them with love and forgiveness, along with my own. I know what I need to do to be happy, but patiently wait as I untangle my grief. I know I will never be the same person I used to be, how can I, the woman who made half of me is gone. But I'm not afraid to live without you anymore. I'm not afraid because I finally understand that you never left me. When I need you, I now quietly and patiently listen to my heart and there you are. Your words still there. Your unconditional love isn't gone. All the love I need is here. It's always been here and now lives in my children. I don't worry for you anymore for my faith has taught me to trust the universe. I don't need to look for signs anymore that you're near because you're everywhere; *"I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on the snow, I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle Autumn rain. "

One year gone and I now understand how sad life can really be, but I don't want to sit in darkness anymore. All I want to do is carry you in my spirit. I wan't to let our spirits be free. I want to release our restless hearts. I wan't our smiles to feel like sunshine. I want us to "live by the sun and love by the moon." For I now understand that I am also living for you.

*Clare Harner - Immortality Poem